Are you an approval addict?

Need to please? Agree when you really disagree? Constantly worried about what others think?

You’re probably an approval addict and Steve Siebold disapproves. That’s because the need-to-please disease is the most destructive and debilitating of all addictions. “It paralyzes people and holds them back from fulfilling their potential. They spend their entire lives desperately trying to achieve the impossible goal of pleasing everyone.”

Forget success! “Professionally, it guarantees mediocrity. Personally, it guarantees frustration” and lots of unhappiness, says Siebold, a well-known mental toughness coach and author.

Counsellor Heidi Cowie says that approval addicts live a fake life. “There will always be someone who doesn’t like or approve some part of us.”

We are setting ourselves up for constant disappointment and hurt if our entire self worth is dependent on others, stresses Cowie, of stresschat.ca. “This could lead to depression, anxiety, and an overpowering belief that we are not worthy” – of a good relationship, successful career, happy friendships etc.

According to Siebold, author of 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class, the majority of the population suffers from varying degrees of approval addiction, yet most people are totally unaware they have the disease.

Career options and opportunities are severely limited because addicts fear rejection. Siebold says that selling – whether yourself, a product, service or even philosophy – is the key to life success yet “the biggest obstacle in selling is the fear of rejection. Approval addicts are emotionally devastated when they get rejected, and will avoid any level of conflict like the plague.”

Addiction approval is tough to beat without training or some form of intervention, he says. “The approval addict has to be liked and loved by everyone to function. The self esteem of the approval addict is so fragile that even the lightest constructive criticism or rejection will destroy them emotionally. An addict can recite criticism she received 50 years ago,” says Siebold, who helps corporate sales teams increase sales through mental toughness training.

Meanwhile, there’s a big difference between being kind and being an approval addict.

“Being cooperative and kind is a choice,” says Siebold. “No one chooses to be bound, limited, and sabotaged by their own way of thinking. The drug addict needs the fix. The alcoholic needs booze. The approval addict needs people to like him or he doesn’t like himself.”

There are ways to disagree with others in a positive and constructive way. “It’s all about being mentally tough, which means you attack the issue without attacking the individual,” suggests Siebold.

Siebold, of mentaltoughnesssecrets.com, adds that sadly “people addicted to the approval of others are limited to a life of following the herd. When an approval addict attempts to break out and take a risk, the herd will criticize, scorn and punish him until he falls back with the rest of the crowd.”

Are you an approval addict?

Take Heidi Cowie’s quiz to find out if you need to rethink your thinking and maybe even get some help.

Do you worry about what other people are thinking about you?

Do you not do things because other people may not approve?

Do you get anxious when you think someone is upset with you?

Do you think other people’s opinions are better than yours?

Do you stop yourself from speaking up when you think someone won’t agree with you?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, your need for approval is high and likely standing in the way of success and personal fulfilment.

How to please yourself

Kick your approval addiction with tips from expert Steve Siebold, a coach to Fortune 500 executives, elite athletes and super-achievers:

Make decisions to please yourself first, and see others approval as a bonus.

Never violate your value system to please or appease others.

Get tough and stand up for what you believe in. “People may disagree, but they will respect your strength,” he says.

Believe in yourself. “You’re opinion is as important as anyone else. Stand up and be counted.”

Be bold and take risks you think are worth taking.

Learn to say no.

Live your life how you want to live it.

The self-check

Give your head a shake.

“If you depend on other people approving everything you say or do you will end up doing and saying nothing!” says expert Heidi Cowie, of stresschat.ca.

This need for constant approval is deep rooted in us and we need to reprogram the software, she says. “The fact is people just forget the small stuff.”

When you start to beat yourself up for saying no or disagreeing with an opinion ask yourself these questions, adds Cowie. The answers will be your reality check.

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being no sweat and 10 being life threatening, how important is this?

What is the worst thing that could happen?

Am I intentionally wanting to hurt this person?

Wanna be a champion?

You have to feed your visions and starve your fears, says Steve Siebold, of mentaltoughnesssecrets.com.

“Most middle-class performers – the average person – spend far too much time focused on their fears in an attempt to prepare for the worst. World-class performers develop a laser-like focus on their excruciatingly detailed, emotionally charged vision,” says the mental toughness coach.

“They wake up thinking about it and it’s their last thought as they drift off to sleep at night. You might call it a healthy obsession,” he says, adding that when the masses go up against the world-class, it’s a total mismatch.

“That’s why 1% of the population owns the majority of the world’s wealth. Psychologically speaking, they are living on a different planet.”

His advice: Copy the winners; “specifically, copy their belief system, internalize it, and you will begin to see the world through their eyes.”

By JOANNE RICHARD, Special to QMI Agency